wake me up when September ends

well, my period started literally the moment after I took the test *unhappy sigh*

this morning I had to go with Hubby to work, because they were taking their annual christmas photo (and yes, I am aware it's not even October yet). but for whatever reason I'm here. There's chapel and the boys start singing "remember your people, remember your children, remember your Promise oh God..." followed promptly by "your grace is enough." ouch. that really hit home. I mean, I've been whining all week about my lack of baby and then I come to chapel and sing 'your grace is enough?' although to be fair, I can't say "your grace is enough, but..." that woul dbe as bad as saying "your grace is not enough for me." so that was hard to hear, and even harder to sing.

then came "though your sorrow may last for the night, your joy comes with the morning." and there I was. back in the other kind of Saturday mode of misery and hopelessness, that I hate.

When Jesus died, some people got it, some didn't. We know the whole story. there should be no reason for us NOT to get it, and yet... here I am: miserable and hopeless. I want to be living in happy anticipation and hope and there's nothing.... like what's the matter with me? Why am I so easily swayed by life from the path where I should be walking?

think of me, as I try to muddle through this.
pray for me.
Ruth

Baby.... Baby,.... Lemon. *sigh*

So I got the test yesterday and I had such a good time with hubby and friends and I had my favorite food and we had "fun" yesterday night ;) then just before I went to bed last night, I saw some spotting. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I cried half the night. not It means not only am I late, but I'm not pregnant.

so I woke up and didn't see any blood which is a good thing I guess, I waited for a bit then I took the test as directed.

so as you can see, one great big minus. not pregnant. not to say the test couldn't be faulty, but I've had no morning sickness no anything besides a headache and drooling and being late, all of which can be attributed to stress.

I've been excited for 4 days. ever since I was late. and I have to stop getting my hopes up. I mean EVERYTIME I do, this is what happens! then I wind up depressed and crying. It's like post partum depression without the bundle of joy to balance it out. (I'm even crying now for pete's sake)

when does it get to be my turn?
keep me in your prayers
Ruth

in Limbo

okay, so Hubby and I have been trying for a year now, and I'm currently 2 days late which might not freak anyone else out, but the truth is, I feel like I'm different. Like my breasts feel bigger (which again, could mean menstruation) and I have a headache, a lot, (which could mean stress, lack of caffeine, low blood sugar, rain, etc.) but the one thing I can't understand is drooling.

I haven't drooled in my sleep in a long time. and I mean ages ago. but suddenly I'm waking up and my face and neck and pillow are all caked with drool! (sexy, I know) Is this natural? I mean I expected some changes, but really? drooling?

*shrugs*

I don't know. heck I don't even know if I AM pregnant. I could just be stressed after turning *cough* 29 *cough* and a major job change and my in-laws coming to visit etc. and my body could be holding back my period for that reason. but it seems unlikely.

we'll likely pick up a test this weekend.
Limbo is a terrible place to be...
keep praying please?
thanks
Ruth

maybe?

well, there is normally a lot more pain not to mention SOME bleeding by now, but nothing yet. again... I've been up to 11 days late, so I'm not holding my breath but I am a little hopeful... DH and I will have to go into the city early to pick up a test, as for right now, my hopes are high, but I'm still cautious.

keep praying for me?
Ruthi

21 days later

well, the thing is: I am 1 day away from when my period should start. but the truth is that I'm not feeling any of the normal symptoms that I normally feel around this time. again, I'm not about to rush out and buy the maternity gear and whatnot, but it does give me a smidgen of hope...

pray for me?
Ruth

Another month, another negative

so, a day late and a dollar short. no baby on the way again.

I'm trying to be patient, I really am, but right now so much of my life revolves around trying to get pregnant.

I'm trying to lose weight, so I can have a baby, I'm trying to eat healthy, exercise, take folic acid, can't drink, etc, talk to people, get councelling everything is associated with baby!

we have a girl who lives near us who was adopted out of a really bad situation, and Hubby looks at her and thinks, maybe there's someone who needs Ruth as much as she needed a new mom... which is a possiblility, but I can't help thinking He's just trying to limit me and the babies I have...

Keep praying for me please?
22 days until I'm doomed for another month...
Ruth

counting back

I am terrible when it comes to math. like really awful. I didn't used to be, but apparently now that I might have a baby on the way, the idea that I can't count backwards from my current date to my last period is insane! I honestly cannot recall when it was! *headdesk*

normally when I can't remember something, I can check it out in my journal or on my other blogs, but it turns out I didn't mention anything since April!! *headdesk squared*

now It just dawned on me that I had mentioned (in passing) to one of the girls that DH and I are trying and I was frustrated when we had the work bee at the church which was 13,14 of August 2010. The reason I was frustrated was because I had gotten my period yet again. the thing is... that would put me right now at... 23 days out of 22? :o I am officially one day late!!!

concidering in my younger years I could be all of 11 days late, I'm not getting too excited too quickly. I'll give it at least a week before I start buying maternity clothes and so on so forth...

DH wants me to get a test at a local store. The only problem with that is that in our small town of 610 people, news travels fast and I don't want everyone to know. at least not yet. so maybe if I don't start by labour day (irony..) which is in 5 days, I'll pick up a test when we go into the city.

trying to get pregnant in secret is hard!
wish me luck!
Ruth