still not my turn...

So my friend is pregnant. Again. Her third this time.
My other friend just had her third, her first boy.
*takes a deep breath*
It's not fair! Why don't I ever get one?
I'm trying to be strong and whatever. I have to make an appointment with the doctor. I've tried giving options to hubby to see if we can get his sperm count up. No aspartame etc. Some he goes for, a lot he doesn't.
I don't want to be petty and jealous but when someone tells me they're pregnant and i want to be happy for them, all I can think is like Phoebe from friends, "I want to keep one."
I want to have one of my own a little boy or little girl to raise and love and take care of. When do I get one?
Do I get one? *unhappy sighs*
pray for me?

A new year, a new attitude.

Well a lot of things have changed since I last wrote. I've opened myself to possibilities and to God and to people and to pain and so much more and it's really given me a new outlook on life.

it's strange to try to put into words, but I'll try my best.

Christmas was dramatic and frustrating and character revealing which is what Christmas should be really.

There's been some serious spiritual attack going on, but my shield of Faith and the rest of my Ephesians 6 armour is holding strong and I know with God I will get through this and he will fulfill the promise he made me.

one of the main reasons I'm writing this is to ask for Prayer again.
I'm 5 days late as of today, which I have been before, heck I've been 14 days late back when I was still a virgin, but other things Have been happening too. Breasts are sore and ankles are swollen. and I'm starting to notice my veins. the veins in my hands have gotten extraordinarily dark. I don't know what that's about. Maybe it goes with the drooling. *shrugs*

I remember having some serious cravings too. lots of eggs. sunnyside up or soft poached with the runny yolk. *shrugs* for that one I've been eating a lot of eggs... we'll have to see.

so I'm going to wait on the Lord as he's asked me to and see what the next month holds. maybe my period will start and this will all be for naught. or I really will be pregnant.

*sigh*
Pray for me please?
Ruthi


Why can't it be this easy?

Perspective: I haz it.

Okay, so I'm not pregnant. I don't feel pregnant and this morning I threw a total hissy fit over something someone said to me. and I mean I cried for HOURS!

Then tonight I went to Bible study. I've been praying like Hannah for a while, asking that God would give me a son and that I would present him back to Him so naturally tonight we talked about 1 Samuel and I cried some more. *rolls eyes* I'm just a bundle of emotion right now.

Anyhoodle: Tonight I get home and I do what I normally do, I watch TV then I go on Facebook then I go onto Neopets. but on facebook I find out that a girl I used to go to church with, a girl I love and respect had a miscarriage. and my heart broke.

I mean, Here I am trying to get pregnant and she felt the life inside her and it was taken away. (and I'm starting to cry again) talk about putting everything into perspective.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" My butt. I was hurt by words today, far too hurt. but this... this has totally changed what happened.

anyway after seeing that and really having it hit me the "Bible" of which I am a fan and didn't realize it posted these verses from Psalms:

Psalm 49:5-9
5 Why should I fear when evil days come,
when wicked deceivers surround me—
6 those who trust in their wealth
and boast of their great riches?
7 No one can redeem the life of another
or give to God a ransom for them—
8 the ransom for a life is costly,
no payment is ever enough—
9 so that they should live on forever
and not see decay.

and I thought of the words again and how angry and bitter in someone else's boasting and I was letting them give me value.
oh yea, Perspective? I definitely haz it.
Ruth

But until you have kids yourself,

Wow.
Have you ever been slapped in the face by one stupid sentence?

Never has anyone hurt me so much, and hopefully unintentionally, as this one girl did by saying this one seemingly innocuous sentence.

My body is shaking and I'm crying and I don't even know if she knows how much damage she has caused by saying that one sentence. She doesn't know that Pat and I have been trying for a year now and have had no luck having children.

She doesn't know that I want a baby more than anything and by saying this she doesn't realize that by saying this she is driving a knife into my heart.

I've heard people say things like this too many times and they might seem innocent but it's like saying "I have children, and you don't, so you're not a good a human being as I am. Because you can't possibly know what it's like to be a mother like me."

If it were anyone else I would call them on it, but I've already been accused by this person and others that I "get everything handed to me on a silver platter" so for me to say anything would just sound petty and insecure, which to be honest Is what I'm feeling right now.

I've had such a great couple of days that this just seems like an anchor around my neck after being in the clouds for so long. *sigh*

I can't believe I could feel this way. It's like high school all over again.
I might right more when I'm in a better mood.

Did someone get the number of that truck?

okay, well, last month I was not surprised to get my period. I mean things are pretty crazy and they seem to multiply times 10 for October, so I had little to no time to be intimate with hubby; so I got my period, right on time.

Hubby and I are going away on vacation soon. we'll be leaving for Edmonton in a week (after the grey cup semi final between Calgary and Saskatchewan and before the grey cup :))

I am expecting a lot of spelling and grammatical errors for this blog because, as the blog title dictates, I literally feel like I have been hit by a truck. (omigosh, I just tried to write literally like "litter ally" This is what anti-histamines do to me).

anyway, between the period today and the cold taking its toll: I literally (tried to do it again!) did NOTHING today. well, blogging and facebook not withstanding.

I woke up late after going to bed early and then I sat on my duff all day. I watched a LOT of CSI on TV. Then hubby came home, early. usually I watch CSI:NY and Bluebloods on Friday night. It's my thing. that I do. On Friday Nights. It used to be Ghost Whisperer and Numb3rs but one got canceled and the other got moved. I think.

so yeah, when I got my period this morning I was both sad and relieved. I mean it means that I likely won't have my period when we go to Edmonton on Monday (today being Friday) so yay, but it also means I'm not pregnant. again.

I'm wondering if any of you reading this have been trying and succeeded, and if so: how did you get pregnant? I mean I've done all the tricks from all the books I've read... although one has just become a comical book to own. (I mean it literally says that you can fight off the effects of smoking and drinking while pregnant with good diet and exercise! clearly it's not one to be taken seriously)

well, that's it for me. I'm tired and another word for stoned on cold meds.
good night friends
Ruth

wake me up when September ends

well, my period started literally the moment after I took the test *unhappy sigh*

this morning I had to go with Hubby to work, because they were taking their annual christmas photo (and yes, I am aware it's not even October yet). but for whatever reason I'm here. There's chapel and the boys start singing "remember your people, remember your children, remember your Promise oh God..." followed promptly by "your grace is enough." ouch. that really hit home. I mean, I've been whining all week about my lack of baby and then I come to chapel and sing 'your grace is enough?' although to be fair, I can't say "your grace is enough, but..." that woul dbe as bad as saying "your grace is not enough for me." so that was hard to hear, and even harder to sing.

then came "though your sorrow may last for the night, your joy comes with the morning." and there I was. back in the other kind of Saturday mode of misery and hopelessness, that I hate.

When Jesus died, some people got it, some didn't. We know the whole story. there should be no reason for us NOT to get it, and yet... here I am: miserable and hopeless. I want to be living in happy anticipation and hope and there's nothing.... like what's the matter with me? Why am I so easily swayed by life from the path where I should be walking?

think of me, as I try to muddle through this.
pray for me.
Ruth

Baby.... Baby,.... Lemon. *sigh*

So I got the test yesterday and I had such a good time with hubby and friends and I had my favorite food and we had "fun" yesterday night ;) then just before I went to bed last night, I saw some spotting. *sigh* I'm pretty sure I cried half the night. not It means not only am I late, but I'm not pregnant.

so I woke up and didn't see any blood which is a good thing I guess, I waited for a bit then I took the test as directed.

so as you can see, one great big minus. not pregnant. not to say the test couldn't be faulty, but I've had no morning sickness no anything besides a headache and drooling and being late, all of which can be attributed to stress.

I've been excited for 4 days. ever since I was late. and I have to stop getting my hopes up. I mean EVERYTIME I do, this is what happens! then I wind up depressed and crying. It's like post partum depression without the bundle of joy to balance it out. (I'm even crying now for pete's sake)

when does it get to be my turn?
keep me in your prayers
Ruth